Ahh, just imagine, a 10 day blissful retreat in the countryside where all you do is meditate all day, and all meals and lodging are provided free, donation only. Sounds like a dream come true, right?
I wish that was exactly it. Parts of that are true. Parts of it are not. The true story of my chance encounter with recently deceased Vipassana meditation “guru” SN Goenka (ok, his recorded videos) are as follows.
From day one, I was brimming with enthusiasm for this unforeseen adventure in which I was about to partake. I had previously talked with my friend Jason, who had done two of the courses, and he gave me all the ins and outs of how to have the best experience, the best being to bring a pair of earplugs. I then convinced my Dad, a devout Christian, to give me a ride to this “Meditation Center” in Kaufman, Texas, about 60 miles away from Tyler. Needless to say, he was more than concerned and wary about the “brainwashing” I was getting myself into. In the end, he gave me a ride, helped me unload my bags and said a quick “Love you son” before getting in his truck and jetting out of there.
Upon entering the meal hall, most of the other students were already inside eating their meal, making small talk, most focused on the looming task ahead. After registering, I quickly ate and unloaded my bags into my living quarters. Each student has their own room, reminiscent of a small all-in-one dorm room. I had a few shelves, and rack to hang clothes on. A thin but somewhat comfortable bed, sink, toilet, and shower in the room. No TV or other mark of technology anywhere to be found. I quickly searched out the course manager, Max, and asked for an alarm clock. He quickly found one and I got everything set up.
We later had a meeting in the meal hall, detailing the rules of the course, down to the smallest detail. The first big one, Noble Silence. That means you are unable to talk, make eye contact, or any type of gestures to anyone until the final day of the course, except to ask the teacher questions about the technique or the course manager issues with food or your dorm. Also, men and women are segregated for the entirety of the course. Further, no contact with the outside world of any type, no phone, TV, internet. You also have to agree to the five principles, which include complete celibacy, telling no lies (can’t talk anyway), no stealing nor killing any other being. The full course daily schedule was as follows:
4 AM: Wake up GONG
4:30-6:30 AM: Meditate in hall or in your room
6:30-8 AM: Breakfast and Rest
8-9 AM: Group Meditation in Meditation Hall
9-11 AM: Meditate in hall or in your room
11-12: Breakfast
12-1 PM: Rest
1-2:30 PM: Meditate in hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 PM: Group Meditation in Meditation Hall
3:30-5 PM: Meditate in hall or in your room
5-6 PM: Fruit and Tea Break
6-7 PM: Group Meditation in Meditation Hall
7-8:15 PM: Evening Discourse
8:15-9 PM: Group Meditation
9:30 PM: Lights Out
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Yes, you read it right. Basically living like a monk. Meditation ALL Day. So going to this course, be ready, in SN Goenka’s words, to “work diligently” and you will surely be successful in learning the technique. The technique being taught is Vipassana Meditation.
Our first evening meditation of Day 0, I was running late and ended up meeting another meditator before we went into the hall named Ben. Once we entered, we were assigned a meditation spot for the duration of the course, noble silence officially began, and we got a taste of what was to come. SN Goenka’s Legendary Chants. In what sounded like the voice of a large toad, SN Goenka chanted phrases in an ancient Indian language called Poly, in order to create good vibrations for the meditators. At the end of the meditation, meditators chanted “Sadu” three times, meaning “I Agree” or “Amen”.
The first three days, I enthusiastically meditated and focused on the breath, then the feeling of the breath hitting the nostrils, and finally, sensations in and around the nasal area. This is an introductory meditation technique to focus your mind called Ana Pana. The exercises become increasingly difficult every day. Goenka’s chants before and after every meditation also became increasingly annoying.
My mind and the weather didn’t help anything. During the meditations on my own, my mind would be thinking of every person I ever met, and events that happened that I hadn’t thought about in years. The weather was cold and overcast, making it almost unbearable to go outside until we had to. Sometimes, I would get up and do things like straighten my bedsheets until they were perfect, fold all of my clothes, or brush my teeth. And occasionally, I would just stare in the mirror. This led me to give myself a mohawk on day one with a disposable razor. Somehow, I was able to do it and make it look halfway decent. “Hell, I thought, no one will be able to say anything to me about it for ten days, what do I have to lose??” The only thing that kept me sane the first three days were the evening discourses and the two delicious vegetarian meals we were served daily. SN Goenka has a way of connecting one of his many stories and examples to exactly what you are going through. I felt comfort every night as I went to bed knowing he knew what I was going through and that I could make it.
Day Four is Vipassana day. After our regular hour long afternoon group meditation, we were given a five minute break before undergoing a grueling 2 hour guided meditation where Goenka did a ton of chants and then walked us through each step of the Vipassana technique. The meditation was not only mentally difficult, but physically as well. You see, over the course of the first three days I had experimented with sitting styles. I began with indian style, then half lotus, full lotus. The supply closet contained many variations of pillows and blankets, so I experimented with these too. I found my legs and feet consistently fell to sleep, so by day four I had switched to a meditation stool, which alleviated much of the problem. The only thing is that after a few hours, my low back began to ache. BADLY. We were instructed to try not to move at all during the two hour meditation, as it was to be the first of our “sittings of great determination” in which we were instructed not to move at all if possible. I slowly counted the minutes and seconds until it was finally over. I limped to my room and collapsed on my bed, feeling agitated, sore and angry.
This agitation got worse as by day five my back soreness got increasingly worse, and I was having difficulty doing the technique correctly, which required me to do body scans from head to toe, focusing on observing each part. The mental checklist and concentration for an entire hour without moving were driving me crazy.
I scheduled an interview with our teacher, Bob Jeffs, that day. I explained to him how frustrated I was. He kindly answered all of my questions, and assured me I was on my way to learning it properly. He then allowed me to have a seat back (similar to a stadium seat) for my low back pain, which was greatly appreciated. At the end of day five, while reassured, I was still strongly contemplating leaving. The lack of talking, physical contact, and tons of meditation were mentally and physically taking a toll on me. Not to mention only eating fruit and tea for dinner was leaving me going to bed hungry, having to drink a glass of water every night to feel full enough to sleep. It also did not help that the one guy I met on day one, Ben, had mysteriously vanished, and his room on my hall was completely empty. “Would “they” take me too?” I wondered, half-serious. I envisioned my brothers mocking me at home, waiting for their phone to ring, with me telling them I’d had enough and begging them to pick me up. “Hell no, that’s not gonna happen!” I thought. That night, I did five rounds of EFT, telling myself “Even though I feel miserable, frustrated, and angry right now, I still love and accept myself” I began saying affirmations in my head like “I’m having a great time” and “I love it here. I never want to leave”.
Wouldn’t you know, day six and seven I had a series of breakthroughs. Oddly enough, it coincided perfectly with the weather, which began to get sunnier and warmer everyday. I began to get the technique down, and was able to start “flowing in masse” through the parts of my body, now from head to toe, then toe to head. I began to feel euphoric after meditations, similar to the “runner’s high” I experienced as a long distance runner after running long runs of over ten miles. My body also began to feel more and more “pure”. Goenka began to talk about attachments of the mind, called Sankaras, namely Cravings and Aversions. He said everything you think about is one of the two until you are liberated from the ego. I quickly was able to start labeling all of my thoughts as either something I craved (something I wanted that I didn’t have) or an aversion (something that I disliked and didn’t want).
As we continued to practice the Vipassana technique, I found my cravings and aversions rising on the surface of my mind, usually manifesting as an itch or a pain somewhere in my body, then as we observed it without judgement, with a “balanced and equanimous mind”, it slowly faded away. On day seven, new students were allowed one day to meditate in the mysterious Pagoda, a round temple-like building usually reserved for old students. I went inside the circular building, and found my cell. Inside is a room about the size of a closet, with little or no air circulation. I turned out the light and faced the inside of the building as instructed, and meditated for what seemed like ten minutes. During this meditation, the normally euphoric feeling of scanning the body became overwhelming, something I have never experienced before. This must be the sama-samadhi Goenka was talking about, I later wrote. I quickly got up and left the Pagoda. As I looked at the clock on the way out, I realized.. I had just meditated for one hour. In that moment, I was blown away, and became a true believer in the power of Vipassana meditation.
Sure enough, that evening, Goenka said we may be experiencing this feeling of sensation, but not to get attached to the good feeling or that we would begin to crave it, and label any meditation without that feeling a “failure”. That night, as I walked from the meditation hall to my living quarters, I was taken aback by the full moon. I was enthralled by the majesty of nature. The coyotes howled loudly at the moon, seemingly for the students entertainment. Several of us stopped and stared at this amazing sight. At this point, ideas I had been struggling with for years began to flow with ease through my mind. I searched through my luggage and found a notebook and began writing endlessly. Though we were not supposed to take notes, I couldn’t help it at this point. I easily wrote pages and pages that night, amazed at my output and overall feeling and mood of limitlessness.
The sunrise on day eight and nine was beautiful beyond words. I stopped for several moments after breakfast both days and stared and appreciated it. I spent these two days perfecting (if that’s possible) the technique and the flow, and also going deeper under the skin to purify the body and thoughts. I walked the small walking trail and connected with Nature on a level I have never before experienced. I truly felt one with it. The cows came very close to the fence after lunch, and many of the students including me sat and watched them nonchalantly eat grass, and connected with them on an unexplainable level in the silence, I also observed a flock of birds of the field seamlessly move together from place to place in perfect unison and harmony.
Every break, I would write down a ton of ideas, and prepared myself excitedly to tell people all about the technique as soon as I could talk again and get back home. On this day also, I began to struggle with lust. As we had made a promise on day one to maintain complete celibacy with no sexual immorality, I refrained from looking at the women in the meditation hall, as well as any autosexual behavior. By day nine (ironically Valentine’s Day) I couldn’t help myself. I caught myself taking several glances over at the women in the hall before and after our hour sittings. In my room, my mind brought up very graphic thoughts that I quickly labeled cravings before quieting my mind and getting back to meditation, fending off autosexual behaviors. It also bothered me that day when I thought about my friends and everyone back home having fun for Valentines Day whilst I was completely silent. Eventually I was able to let that go, as I realized how amazing what I was doing was, and looked forward to speaking and interacting with people.
The next morning on day ten, we were taught Metta Pana meditation, spreading peace, love and harmony to the world through our vibrations, and were told to practice it for five to ten minutes after every vipassana meditation. “Beeeeeeeee Happyyyyyyyyy” I remember Goenka saying. After this meditation, Noble Silence was lifted.
As I walked out of the meditation hall, I started to speak to a fellow student, but couldn’t. My throat and vocal muscles literally felt like a muscle I hadn’t used in ten days. I was able to let out a feeble “Hi”. I admit, my first two or three interactions were awkward as hell. Eventually, all the other male students began to gather, many unable to control their excitement. One student in particular said “I Feel SOOOO GOOOD!!!”, screaming it as loud as he could. I quickly made friends with several of the other students, including Matt from Sante Fe, New Mexico, Charley, an actor from Dallas, Nilesh, from Houston, Topher, from Boulder, Colorado, and Tom, a Belgian expat who had been driving his motorcycle and couchsurfing across America the last eight months. We sat and talked for several hours about anything and everything. I found most of these guys had interesting stories, and unique reasons for why they decided to come to the meditation center. Misery, some great, some small, is the one thing we all had in common. As Goenka says “Misery is Universal”. This is the reason the Vipassana technique is able to work for people of any religious faith, or none at all, no sectarianism or dogma is required. Some of us were just looking for something, some were lost and needing direction, others were suffering from depression or other issues. Most, if not all of our perceived problems and issues, were significantly improved after the ten day course.
We also found that we had labeled one another and came up with stereotypes for what kind of person each one was based on their clothing and appearance during the days of silence. Some mentioned my athletic pants (making loud sounds as I walked), thinking I may be an athlete or a coach. Apparently, when I finally took off my toboggan on day five revealing my mohawk, it threw them off from that idea to either rockstar or DJ.
That afternoon, we had signups for cleaning, rides, and the ability to make donations and sign up for other correspondence from the center. A man named Lawrence walked us through these, rather comically, making jokes about the non-attachment of a vacuum cleaner and helping people who had just met figure out who was taking who to what airport. This was probably the funniest moment of the ten day. He also talked about service, and told us all the value being given to us by cooks and the rest of the volunteer staff, and offering us that opportunity. That evening, I had a great talk with Charley about goals and ideas before lights out, and I went to sleep realizing I had made a ton of good friends in a short time. It is weird how well you connect with people just being around them, without even ever talking to them.
We woke early the next morning to do the final chants and meditations, and to clean up and leave. It was a bittersweet ending. On one hand, I was mentally fatigued from waking up at four AM everyday and meditating twelve hours a day; on the other hand, I was ready to get back to the real world. I cleaned my room and the section I signed up for as I waited for Jason, my ride, to arrive. I had enough time to wander around, meeting some of the women, Jean, Holly from Austin, and Violetta from Ukraine, now teaching Yoga in New York. I also got the chance to talk further with our course manager, Max. Max revealed he had ridden a BICYCLE all the way from Quebec City, Canada, to Kaufman, Texas, over the course of three months. After this and other conversations, I realized how special the people were that came to this retreat. It takes a special person to take ten days out of their life for personal growth, and some of these stories were downright extraordinary. I quickly began thinking about all of the possibilities of life and realizing all of my limits were self-imposed.
Ultimately, I am glad that I went to the retreat, and got more out of it than I could possibly write about or put in monetary terms. It is a priceless experience that everyone, even talkative, non-vegetarian people like me, should do once in your life. It is ten days out of a lifetime that will positively change your life. If you complete the ten day, your life will never be same. You will be glad you did it. It was one of the richest experiences of my life, and while I have no plans of doing another any time soon, (like running a marathon) the many positive changes I have taken into my life were well worth it. “A’Nature” as Goenka would have said. Life is always changing. Go with the flow and enjoy it!
